Lead: People say that going through a divorce can feel like dealing with the death of a loved one. However, it may help to ask yourself: is there anything that stays permanently dead in a world that changes every second?
More than 40% of married couples in the USA end up getting a divorce. It’s perfectly reasonable that this statistic would shake your confidence and make you question your quest to find true love.
After doing a survey of my clients, friends, and relatives about relationships and marriage, it’s become clear to me that even people who don’t get a divorce still experience terrible problems in their relationships. Why are we still so far from finding happiness? Why does it seem like divorce is the only viable solution for marital problems and disagreements? And, after a disappointing marriage and painful divorce, how can you become the conqueror of true love?
Let’s analyze what it is that makes you more experienced and provides you with the necessary “technical knowledge” and determination for finding true love, as a result of having gone through one (or more) divorce(s) already.
I’ve been through it all myself, and I understand how you feel. You’ve fallen down, you’re badly wounded, and you’re in a lot of pain. Suddenly, the person with whom you made plans for the rest of your life has become your enemy. You feel awful, trapped in a tragic situation, and on top of that, you feel stigmatized as another divorced person.
You see yourself lying at the bottom of the barrel again, and this time you can hear the chanting of your fans; they’re your friends and family, and they’re giving you advice about how to play the game. Even if you feel like the game is over, they continue to cheer you on; and you might wonder why. You feel betrayed by your body, your energy, and your vision.
You might even feel fear. You never imagined you’d end up in this position yourself, that someone you loved with all your heart would hurt you so much. The questions swirl in your mind, and your agony about your inability to provide a sound answer keeps growing.
Let’s start from scratch. We have a long way to go to find real happiness, simply because up to this point in our life, we’ve used things and people to give ourselves a temporary sense of “happiness”—not the real thing. Do I feel down? I’ll call in sick to work and go shopping. Did I have an argument with my husband/wife? Let me buy him/her a gift or book an
extra-long weekend away in order to reconnect.
These things hinder our ability to find true happiness, in ourselves and with our partner. You’ll end up making the same mistakes over and over again before you realize the real solution is hiding somewhere else, and might be more difficult and painful to attain. Marriage, the legal and emotional commitment between two partners before God and other witnesses, has many connotations and stigmas that we started shaping in childhood. We think our partner will satisfy all the stereotypes we associate with marriage and what it means to be married, in order to make the marriage last forever. As such, we
stop investing real, deep effort in our relationship.
I’ve chosen my current partner because, among many things, he’s going to be an amazing father. But the truth is, he’s not making any effort in other parts of our relationship; for example, in controlling his reactions that come from intense feelings.
After going through the shock of divorce, you’re more prepared to listen to other people and take practical action. Of course, you’ll not only be dealing with your emotions, but also with the paperwork, contracts, finances, and other agreements involved in divorce.
Once it’s truly over, you shut the door on your old experiences and keep them out of your new life. Your new life will welcome new experiences and new people. You’ll open up a new chapter, where change will be your everyday intention. Your old beliefs will be shattered, and you’ll be ready to wander, to discover, to learn from new experiences and
adopt new beliefs. You’ll be ready to absorb knowledge from the best, and implement that knowledge in your life, based on your determination to become a better person. The jar full of your negative emotions will break, allowing for a new, fresh, and conscious beginning.
You’ll no longer be satisfied with the mediocre, and you’ll constantly push your personal boundaries. All the pain and the emotional wounds you’ve suffered in the past can actually show you that pain is not your real enemy, but a necessary ally in setting you in the right direction: the path to real happiness.
If you work toward this, you won’t have to repeat the mistakes of superficial or empty relationships. You’ll be able to widen your personal horizons and offer some valuable help to the soul. You’ll need to come to terms with the source of your pain and unhappiness, and use the lessons to build a happy and fulfilling relationship.
Your marriage has ended, but you don’t have to feel that you’re in a disadvantageous position. You may have paid a big toll for what you’ve been through, but you’ve also gained big.
You’ve become a better observer of the signs that lead to an unhappy relationship; if something doesn’t seem to be working right from the beginning, don’t insist that everything is okay or that it’ll change. Your experiences have made you a more pragmatic person, which means you’re not desperate to get into another relationship. Your experiences have taught you that a relationship doesn’t guarantee love.
Therefore, getting a divorce might be a blessing in disguise.
Life & Relationship Coach, awarded author of the no1 bestselling books Create Love and How to Create your Life
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